Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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