just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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