I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
