I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
