there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
what day is it and did you see me today?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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