Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
