I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
