She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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