if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
