I just pynch a tree in the face
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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