not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
