I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
