I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
