My hand turned me down
Too much gin, very little bucket
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So much Jack, so little girl.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
