Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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