I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
