your parents love me but you hate me
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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