Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
