Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
