Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
