You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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