i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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