how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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