When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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