Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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