Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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