no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
