We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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