i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
