please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
