New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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