just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
