Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
