I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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