i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
