Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
