I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
