my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
