Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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