you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
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We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
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I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.