He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
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Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
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Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.