ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night