Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
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He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.