I wish I could teleport
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.