Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
