She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
my poor anus
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
