I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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