I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
