I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
