just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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