dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
