im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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