She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
