Hey man sorry I got all grabby
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
