He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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