She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
