guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
