I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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