I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This baby is an asshole
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
